Oddjams

Our father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.

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King Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Appendicitis is caused by information in the appendix.

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The Government of England is a limited mockery.

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For cranial bleeding apply a tourniquet to the neck.

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The headmaster caned me only on rear occasions.

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A myth is a female moth.

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John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained".

Taken from "The Collected Works of Bertrand Russell". Collected and edited by Barry Feinberg. Part Four : Anecdotes on family, friends and others.

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There was an extremely genteel lady who was traveling in a train, and it so happened that sitting opposite to her there was a man who had a crucifix on his watch chain, but in spite of this talked in a very blasphemous and horrible fashion. The lady said to him, “I am surprised, my man, in view of the emblem that you bear, to hear you speaking in this manner.” And he said: “Lor, Ma’am, that ain’t Christ, that’s the other bloke that died by him.”

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Mr. Atlee is known to have made one joke in the course of a long honourable career.

At a Pilgrim dinner he spoke of a certain village in rural England where there was a fine old church falling into disrepair, where no money was forthcoming to keep it from ruin. At length, by some good fortune, an immensely rich American discovered that his family came from that village and he therefore supplied the funds needed for the restoration of the sacred edifice. The Vicar, in an eloquent prayer expressed his gratitude to Providence saying, “O Lord, we thank thee that in the hour of need, thou hast sent this succour.”

The American thought that the sentiment might have been better expressed.

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Disraeli, in spite of his political eminence, was somewhat painfully conscious of the fact that his hands lacked beauty. Nevertheless, in an absent-minded mood, he allowed them on one occasion to rest upon the dinner table. There came one of those unusual moments of complete silence. Lady Margaret Cecil, who was sitting next to him, remarked, “Awful pause.” With extreme haste he withdrew his hands and concealed them beneath the table.